Yes, it's been a while but it was bound to happen sooner or later! Those of you that know me do expect this monthly bursting of the banks in the river known as Pammi's hormones, the rest of you, I am very sorry for what you are about to read!
It's been an exhausting time for me of late, mentally, emotionally and physically. Every little ounce of energy is gone leaving me with nothing to do but sleep and try to keep talking myself into eating at the time most normal people would eat (between 6-8am, 12-1pm and 5-7pm) and trying as hard as I can it is not really happening for me at the moment. I'll nibble on a couple of chocolate biscuits to keep me from keeling over but that's about it and my usual 5 or so cups of tea a day.
I want to sleep all day and all night, but I hate feeling lazy, or worse appearing to be lazy. Therefore I'm wandering about this house in a half zombie half neanderthal mix of utter grumpiness. I've exchanged talking for grunting because we all know that talking is just far too much effort.
Last night I found myself at the Out of Hours service at the local hospital. I've been feeling out of sorts for a while now and just put it down to the stresses of home. Things have been worse these past few days with my entire body aching but more so my lower right abdomen, the usual sore spot in me. However, after settling there for a while the pain shifted round my side and curled up under my ribs on the right side. I was also having pains in my chest, shortness of breath and palpitations so went to get myself checked out. They don't know what it is, so send me home with enough co-codamol to knock out an elephant and told me to rest!
I'm trying very hard not to be angry these days, to smile when I'm sad, laugh when I feel like crying and generally just get on with life as I know it. A damn sight easier than it sounds. When Nana was first admitted into hospital on the 28th of December I was genuinely glad of one nights decent rest without worry waking me, it didn't happen for me though and it's not really happened since! She was then moved to the Johnstone I.D hospital a week later, and now I only worry more (along with feeling guilty, weak and pathetic for not trying harder). I felt and still do feel that the reason for Nana ending up in hospital (through suicidal thoughts and actions) was simply that the family did not bother their backsides to come round and see her on Christmas day. For weeks leading up to Christmas Nana had gifts organised through my uncle who takes to deal with her money, for everyone, kids, grandkids, their partners and great grandon, everyone was to get. My uncle and one of the foster kids came down on Christmas night but that was it. No phone calls from Hong Kong where her eldest son is, the one who hasn't seen her since 2000 or as much as sent a birthday, Christmas or even mother's day card. No phone call from Surrey from her youngest son to wish her well. No phone call or visit from her youngest daughter who by the way lives ONE STREET from us! No visit from her grandchildren or great grandchildren. No wonder she was sad and hurt.
Tomorrow night is a big night for nana, although she'll be blissfully unaware in the hospital. Mum, uncle Johnny and Mhairi are off to check out a couple of residential homes, one of which nana will be going to. Now the night Nana ended up in hospital her youngest daughter walked away, told mum that any decision to be made would be up to her and her reason for walking away was that I made her sick. Nana was being taken in to get assessed and she called out for me to go with her, not her daughters, me and that annoyed Mhairi. Mum understood and didn't take offence because at the end of the day I was with my Nana all day everyday. I listened, comforted, helped and supported her in all that she did and wanted to do. An arguement is brewing now between the siblings with two wanting her to go to one place (where she's been before for respbite) and the other saying its not fair if they get the final say.... can we guess who?
This same person did not like the way SHE was treated at the hospital, nor the way SHE was treated at the Johnstone ID hospital/home and therefore neither of these places were suitable for her mother. NEWS FLASH IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU!!!! I get so mad about it all!! She always needs to make it about her, always needs to have something to say, always needs to create tension and chaos! Yes she is her daughter but she doesn't bloody act like it!! Even my neighbours have commented on how little she visits (I can count on one hand the times she's been here since I got back from Manchester and on a few of those occassions it was nowt to do with seeing nana!) She was the one who labelled me Psychologically damaged and told people I made nana worse, yet wasn't daughterly enough to come in and take over the caring herself!! Urgh she makes my blood boil! She doesn't give a flying you know what about anyone but herself!! She really doesn't and I sincerely hope I am never ever like that towards anyone never mind my own mother!
What can I do though? Hee and haw is the answer to that one because as much as I was nana's main carer I am only her grand daughter. I miss her, so will keep visiting and trying to keep her spirits up. I'll do all that I can to make sure she goes to a safe and happy place but the final call is out of my hands. I just hope that I didn't fight for the last 6months running myself into the ground for the final decision to be one to accommodate someone who doesn't really care where nana goes, so long as the staff their pander to her, make her feel like daughter of the year for visiting once in a blue moon and staying for less time than it takes me to do a pee!
It's been an exhausting time for me of late, mentally, emotionally and physically. Every little ounce of energy is gone leaving me with nothing to do but sleep and try to keep talking myself into eating at the time most normal people would eat (between 6-8am, 12-1pm and 5-7pm) and trying as hard as I can it is not really happening for me at the moment. I'll nibble on a couple of chocolate biscuits to keep me from keeling over but that's about it and my usual 5 or so cups of tea a day.
I want to sleep all day and all night, but I hate feeling lazy, or worse appearing to be lazy. Therefore I'm wandering about this house in a half zombie half neanderthal mix of utter grumpiness. I've exchanged talking for grunting because we all know that talking is just far too much effort.
Last night I found myself at the Out of Hours service at the local hospital. I've been feeling out of sorts for a while now and just put it down to the stresses of home. Things have been worse these past few days with my entire body aching but more so my lower right abdomen, the usual sore spot in me. However, after settling there for a while the pain shifted round my side and curled up under my ribs on the right side. I was also having pains in my chest, shortness of breath and palpitations so went to get myself checked out. They don't know what it is, so send me home with enough co-codamol to knock out an elephant and told me to rest!
I'm trying very hard not to be angry these days, to smile when I'm sad, laugh when I feel like crying and generally just get on with life as I know it. A damn sight easier than it sounds. When Nana was first admitted into hospital on the 28th of December I was genuinely glad of one nights decent rest without worry waking me, it didn't happen for me though and it's not really happened since! She was then moved to the Johnstone I.D hospital a week later, and now I only worry more (along with feeling guilty, weak and pathetic for not trying harder). I felt and still do feel that the reason for Nana ending up in hospital (through suicidal thoughts and actions) was simply that the family did not bother their backsides to come round and see her on Christmas day. For weeks leading up to Christmas Nana had gifts organised through my uncle who takes to deal with her money, for everyone, kids, grandkids, their partners and great grandon, everyone was to get. My uncle and one of the foster kids came down on Christmas night but that was it. No phone calls from Hong Kong where her eldest son is, the one who hasn't seen her since 2000 or as much as sent a birthday, Christmas or even mother's day card. No phone call from Surrey from her youngest son to wish her well. No phone call or visit from her youngest daughter who by the way lives ONE STREET from us! No visit from her grandchildren or great grandchildren. No wonder she was sad and hurt.
Tomorrow night is a big night for nana, although she'll be blissfully unaware in the hospital. Mum, uncle Johnny and Mhairi are off to check out a couple of residential homes, one of which nana will be going to. Now the night Nana ended up in hospital her youngest daughter walked away, told mum that any decision to be made would be up to her and her reason for walking away was that I made her sick. Nana was being taken in to get assessed and she called out for me to go with her, not her daughters, me and that annoyed Mhairi. Mum understood and didn't take offence because at the end of the day I was with my Nana all day everyday. I listened, comforted, helped and supported her in all that she did and wanted to do. An arguement is brewing now between the siblings with two wanting her to go to one place (where she's been before for respbite) and the other saying its not fair if they get the final say.... can we guess who?
This same person did not like the way SHE was treated at the hospital, nor the way SHE was treated at the Johnstone ID hospital/home and therefore neither of these places were suitable for her mother. NEWS FLASH IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU!!!! I get so mad about it all!! She always needs to make it about her, always needs to have something to say, always needs to create tension and chaos! Yes she is her daughter but she doesn't bloody act like it!! Even my neighbours have commented on how little she visits (I can count on one hand the times she's been here since I got back from Manchester and on a few of those occassions it was nowt to do with seeing nana!) She was the one who labelled me Psychologically damaged and told people I made nana worse, yet wasn't daughterly enough to come in and take over the caring herself!! Urgh she makes my blood boil! She doesn't give a flying you know what about anyone but herself!! She really doesn't and I sincerely hope I am never ever like that towards anyone never mind my own mother!
What can I do though? Hee and haw is the answer to that one because as much as I was nana's main carer I am only her grand daughter. I miss her, so will keep visiting and trying to keep her spirits up. I'll do all that I can to make sure she goes to a safe and happy place but the final call is out of my hands. I just hope that I didn't fight for the last 6months running myself into the ground for the final decision to be one to accommodate someone who doesn't really care where nana goes, so long as the staff their pander to her, make her feel like daughter of the year for visiting once in a blue moon and staying for less time than it takes me to do a pee!
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