Misery

I sometimes wonder if what was said was true. Perhaps I am “psychologically damaged”, perhaps I do need to seek help. Tonight is another night where I doubt I will see bed anytime before 5am, only to be wide awake at 6.45am to start all over again.

The other day I did something I have never done, rightly or wrongly I felt I had no option but to. After a row with someone close to me a few nights previous I started taking panic attacks. That night I cried so much and with such force I not only made myself sick, I also couldn’t remember how to breathe. So there we were, mum, Gillian and I in the kitchen, mum knocking hell out my back trying to encourage me to suck in some air, Gillian on the phone to my aunt explaining mum would have to call back, and in that instant I had lost the plot. Mum made it clear we would either be heading to Dykebar mental hospital or the local A&E in the fear I was about to erupt into a full scale asthma attack.

That night I didn’t sleep, I just kept going over and over all sorts in my head. Things from the here and now, and a certain incident from the past. The next couple of days brought more stories about how I was this, that or the other and rather than get into an argument over the phone or face to face I thought perhaps the best way to deal with this was to send an email or letter. Well I tried a letter first, but I kept crying so I type faster than I write so the e-mail made more sense. In this email I stated what I had heard and not only that, why it bothered me. I continued to blame this person for the event that happened all those years ago. I also left the ball very much in here court to give her take on it, tell me if I was wrong if that is what she felt. An offer she never took me up on.

Now my dad was mentioned in this email, so I felt I had to go speak with him about it too. I knew that wouldn’t be easy because I remember the pain around the time it all happened, the fighting, screaming matches and disgust that rippled through both sides of our family. Anyways, I said to him all that I had to, and listened to him accordingly. Told him what I was thinking, what I felt, about my anxiety and panic attacks and felt a load lifted off my mind, because he’s my dad, I love him more than anyone will ever know and when he hugs me, I don’t fear anything, it’s like I’m invincible. I thought that was the end of it.

However, dad wanting to look out for his daughter took it a step further. Bearing in mind, I had never asked him to, if anything I had asked the opposite (knowing how long he and this person had been friends, who the hell was I to say he should be anything but). Anyways long story short I don’t know the ins and outs of what happened there, all I know now is that I’m being portrayed as a right bastard.

I am 1 aunt, 1 cousin and a reputation down. I have been accused of selling nana’s things, accused of saying my aunt is bullying me, none of which is true by the way. 1 – I have nothing but love and respect for nana, so to sell her things is to sell something that in years to come we could be treasuring and remembering! 2 – A bully is someone you fear, feel threatened or intimidated by, none of which I feel. Oh, I’m a bridesmaid down too and a page boy by default. This cuts a whole new level of sorrow for me. To my understanding there was a vile comment made about me by aforementioned bridesmaid and even if things did settle down, due to that comment she couldn’t stand at my side on my wedding day. So I’m sat, wide awake at this ungodly hour yet again wondering what on earth I did that was so damn bad that merited this.

I was honest, nothing but and had that email proof read by both my sister and mum before sending it, both of them saw nothing wrong in it. So, I’m now at the point I don’t know what to do. I’m so sick of crying, so tired of fighting off lies and slander, fed up of always accepting blame when the blame isn’t mine, that’s not to say I’m 100% blameless, I should NEVER have lost my temper on the phone. I won’t take the blame when I feel I’m right, you guys all know me, when I screw up I hold my hands up to it and take the punches that follow. I won’t take the easy option and pretend to be wrong or sorry, but in doing that I lose some very important people who no matter how much they have hurt, upset and wronged me, I happen to love. Shit eh!